How many of us, trying to apologize and mend fences in our relationships, whether they be husband and wife, friends, coworkers or family members, and have run smack into a stone wall?  One person had apologized and then the other, but they both added a sidebar remark as a last word of defense.  One accused the other of being overly sensitive and the other commented that their behavior was justified as a reaction of poor behavior on the other’s part.  Then they both stood there next to each other, holding their ground, feeling no better than when they started the conversation in the first place!  All because of a condition called "foolish pride”!  It seems like the makings of the words heard in a country song doesn’t it?  It may sound satirical but the truth is, dealing with pride and trying to make amends just doesn’t work.  The right intention starts from within us and is heartfelt, but it is filtered by our brains and many times comes out of our mouths entirely wrong and is taken insincerely. That only makes matters worse!

The word "BUT” is the culprit most of the time in an unacceptable apology.  How many of us have heard or said the following statement or something similar a thousand times, "I’m sorry I didn’t call you to tell you I’d be late, "But”, you should have known where I was”?  I guess that covers about every one of us, right?  No doubt!  The word "But” cancels out any admission of guilt and negates the sincerity of our words.  We want to acknowledge our bad behavior or decisions without owning up to our accountability and the other persons feelings. 

Here are a few ideas to suggest how to make amends correctly and manage your personal feeling and actions:

BE REAL:   Insincere contrition and fear of admission of fault only make matters worse.  It tends to belittle the other person’s feelings, underscore the offense and lacks true transparency and honesty. Always try to demonstrate genuine remorse, use the proper words and body language and most importantly "humility” is the key to all areas. It’s always best to ask for God’s direction before trying to make amends.  Philippians 2:1-8 gives us a guide to keeping our pride under control. Jesus humbled himself to the point of death for us; therefore we surely can humble ourselves more than enough to apologize with sincerity.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY:   All of us have tried to convey regret while also trying to maneuver our way out of it or lessen the responsibility.  If we are really responsible about my words, actions and really concerned about the other persons feelings, we will take full responsibility for them.  But also remember that once you have acknowledged your offence, stop right there, don’t add any "Buts” to it!

ACKNOWLEDGE the OTHER PERSON’S FEELINGS:  Sometimes when we’re accused of hurting someone’s feelings, many of us wonder how and why?  But regardless of how we would have responded to the same treatment, we should value the other person enough to respect their feelings.  In Philippians 2:3-4, it also tells us that we shouldn’t look at things simply from our own view, but should consider the others feelings first.   

SAY "I’M SORRY”:  These words may seem trite and overused, but they belong in a sincere apology.

There are also many other words to express your feelings like, "I regret, please excuse me, what was I thinking, I’m a big Bozo but you know I love you…but you get the idea!

LISTEN and LET GO:  For many, just when you think you have opened your heart and given a sincere apology, you realize that "it’s not over til it’s over” as Yogi Berra said!  There may be some fear of retaliation on you even though you really sincerely meant what you expressed.  But be optimistic, have faith and know that being honest is the right way to go, for both of you!  It takes a large person with sound values to step up and do the right thing. 

You may be pleasantly surprised that the reaction may be "OK, let’s move on”!  But if the hurt is still present, you have the opportunity to express "humility and patience” with the other person’s feelings. Things will probably turn around after they have had a little time to realize your sentiments.

You always have a choice. You can get stirred up again and give in to your foolish pride or you can just listen and "humbly” let go of it.  Remember, if you go for round 2, you may end up starting all over again!  

There isn’t always a simplistic solution to every issue, no one said things like mending fences would ever be easy or cut and dried, but if we can stop and consider the "humble attitude of Jesus Christ” that we find in the words of I Peter2:21-24. We can find real reconciliation and peace much sooner.  Jesus didn’t yell back from the cross at those hurling insults at him.  He just died for them and us!